Has anyone read ... " The Primal Wound " ?

[lizzie]

Hello Jules
I need to reply to this but first I need to digest all you say. So a reply will be coming. Just didn’t want you to feel there is no one listening at this point.
I too am appreciative of this site, and appreciate your post.
All those ‘guests’ please feel able to join our conversation, all towards a better understanding of our own experiences.

Jules, i’ll Be back,

[lizzie]

Hello Jules and all readers
Thanks for sharing your story Jules.I do identify with most all you say, and have probably coped in a different way. But the cause or need to understand comes from the same place. The disassociation mode is very familiar and does become a way of life, even though you know what you are doing. Not sure if I am conscious of myself, but do actually find comfort in the dissacosiative state.....bit like a refuge. Go though the motions, but stay inside. Maybe it is a cowards way out. As I got older I found myself feeling more and more awkward in company, I don't want to share with people as there is no knowledge or understanding or feedback that supplies comfort. However I do love people, so long as they tell me about themselves. Most people do have tales and stories that I think about and it gives me a way to connect to them, be it just that they love the feedback and understanding you can give them by echoing their words. I was a teacher for many years and so this was a good tool to use to help my students learn. To start with my students were teenagers, many of them troubled in one way or another and then the second half of my career was with adults. I taught math, which is not an emotive subject and brought many insecurities and bad memories to the surface for my adults.
I read the 'Primal Wound' around 25 or more years ago. At that time you couldn't buy it in the UK so sent off for a copy from the US. Nancy Verrier was the perfect author for this book, because as you say, she is a psychotherapist but not only did she adopt a child, she then went on to have a biological child. This gave Nancy the perfect comparisons and she had the honesty to voice what she observed and felt.
When I read the book it felt like the woman and been living with me for years. I was blown away. I felt validated for the first time. I am not a weirdo! I really should read it again and her follow up book......and no doubt many more.
I am not sure about the 'de-foggin'. I feel I have always been aware of inner anguish and where it has come from. Whatever 'wound' had been inflicted was compounded by bad parenting skills and other traumatic events. It often is hard to untangle what comes from what. But I do know at a young age I was on my own, and that can endure all and that one day I will be powerful. To some extent that came true.Like you I left home as soon as I could, but for me it was University. I never went back home after that.
The UK is so bad in offering any support to adult adoptees. I think there is a complete lack of understanding that there are voices that need to be heard. As you say Julie to give folk an opportunity 'To no longer deny what has happend and how it has effected us on so many levels.' and I will add in so many different ways.
I look forward to hearing the British point of view:)

[Jules]

Here it is ... Lecture on Adoption by Paul Sutherland .
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3pX4C-mtiI

[lizzie]

I watched the video again this morning. It has so much in it that explains so much. I am particularly interested in the physiological effects of separation at birth. It seems that whether you have a good adoption or otherwise there are effects that become lifelong.

I agree with all you have written above and feel very much the same. Adoptees are so silent in the UK. I understand this as like you I have never spoken about how I feel to anyone bar my hubby. And that was years ago. I also recently joined a forum based in the US, and have begun to read extensively all who post. Experiences are so different as are their methods of coping or not coping. But throughout there are many feelings that are in common. It too is giving me confidence to speak out and share. Mostly it is giving me courage to think about things that uncomfortable and analyse and follow through. I have not as yet shared my story but I shall no doubt at some point.
I am so glad to know you have found a voice and yes there is such wisdom shared on the forum amongst people with such generosity and empathy.
It is all scary and it does make you feel vulnerable, a feeling I wouldn’t normally entertain, but there is a feeling of safety.
I am hoping that life has improved for you somewhat and the turbulence has subsided.

There are many things and events that shape who we are. At the moment it seems very hard to untangle it all. Am trying to think and do and persevere without upsetting the equilibrium I guard so carefully. I am sure you are familiar with that train of thought.

Have you ever sought a councillor or a therapist? I find myself reevaluating the attitude of the US’s approach to therapy. I’m thinking in this world where mental health issues are on the rise it’s possibly the responsible thing to do. It comes under the umbrella of self care, Just like dental checkups. They don’t wait till they are a mess. Have never thought of it that way before. What do you think?

[lizzie]

What you are describing to me sounds like 'Mindfulness'. I am no expert but have read about it and do try to practise it. Most often not successfully. I also don't know how to meditate. But although I have no religion I am attracted to many of the teachings of Buddhism. I see it more of a way of being than a religion, choosing to leave many of the principles to one side.....like reincarnation or Kama.
Mindfulness I get....bringing us nearer to self awareness. Everything is transient....so true, which leads on to letting go. Accepting what we can change and not that which we can't.
All of the above takes working on. Thought I might go to a class at the local Buddhist centre on these practises to see if I can improve. I guess i'm not looking for enlightenment, LOL!, but just a way for being peaceful. No negative thoughts, purely compassion and understanding. Easier said than done!
There are triggers in our lives that lead to turbulence. There are events that lead me to have a physical response. I don't understand why, but as they happen rarely, there are strategies I use to compensate. Its true, we do have to own our behaviours and we do have to take responsibility and I love your concept of therefore using response-ability.

As for the child.....you can't be more right.
Children do need a voice.....young children who are not so cognitively developed need help to find that voice. Be it through art therapy or drama therapy or even play. But if they have a voice, they need to be heard, and yes they need to be validated.

And it is through rambling we learn more:)